Marriage | Center for Human Development

Effective Communication for Dealing with Conflict

By chdwebsite 26 Oct, 2016 Counselor's Corner, Premarital Boundaries, Children and divorce, Communication, conflict, Conflict Resolution, Depression, Divorce, family, healthy relationships, Marriage, Parenting, Relationships

Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset – Are you truly angry because the ketchup was left on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.

Discuss one issue at a time – “You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family.” Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.

Use “I” statements – When sharing a concern, begin your sentence with an “I” statement. This technique will help you share your true feelings about the situation instead of spewing blame which will often cause defensiveness.

“I feel ____________ when you ____________ because ____________.”

Use reflective listening – Oftentimes we focus on getting our own point across rather than listening. When reflecting, you will repeat back what someone has said to you, but in your own words. This shows that you didn’t just hear the other person, but you are trying to understand them. For example, you can say, “I think this is what you’re telling me, but correct me if I’m wrong.”

“I hear you saying that…”

“It sounds like you feel…”

“You’re telling me that…”

Focus on the problem, not the person – When a disagreement turns to personal insults, raised voices, or mocking tones, the conversation is no longer productive. Be careful to focus on the problem without placing blame on the other person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to make your partner feel bad.

Know when to take a time-out – When the conversation is becoming argumentative, insulting, aggressive, or is a repetitive pattern, it’s a clue for a time-out. The person who called for the time-out is the person who will call for a time-in when he or she feels calm and relaxed enough to continue the conversation. Spend some time doing something alone that you find relaxing. Focus on how you can make this a more productive conversation.

Work toward a resolution – Disagreement is a normal part of a relationship. If it becomes clear that you and your partner will not agree, focus on a resolution instead. Attempt to find a compromise that benefits both individuals. Ask yourself if this disagreement really matters to your relationship and let yourself move on, if not.

Dawn Schroeder is a professional counselor who enjoys helping people of all ages overcome life’s struggles. She also has a special place in her heart for working with children and teenagers. To learn more about Dawn, or to set up an appointment click here.

Building a Strong Marital Toolbox

By chdwebsite 15 Sep, 2015 Counselor's Corner Communication, couple, Marriage, problem solving, Relationships, tools

How strong is your marital toolbox?

A “marital toolbox” can provide a couple with an arsenal of tools to assist them with problem-solving and the decision making process. Used effectively, this strategy can form the foundation for a healthy marriage. Couples that prepare themselves for difficult situations in advance, often handle these situations better.

Here is an example that will help you in understanding this– the “carpenter toolbox.” Years ago many carpenters built large boxes out of wood to store their tools in. Whether at the workshop, or at the worksite, these toolboxes went with the carpenter. Every tool of importance was placed in this box. No matter what situation came up, the carpenter had what was needed to handle any job or situation.

Like the old carpenter toolbox, the marital toolbox prepares a couple to address many situations. Being in a healthy and thriving marriage requires time, commitment and communication. Married couples need to decide which specific tools should go into their marital toolboxes. Listed below are some ground rules which can assist couples with the tool selection process.

Ground Rules:

Respecting your spouse- he/she will have good ideas or insights.
Willing to hear your spouse’s perspective without interrupting them.
Entering a discussion without having a pre-determined solution in mind.
Speaking one at a time when discussing things.
Taking time-outs from discussions to cool-off, process information, or seek counsel.
Writing notes when your spouse is speaking so you will not forget what was said.

A marital toolbox consists of husband and wife working together to select the appropriate tools. Participation in such a process assists greatly with future difficult situations. Like the carpenter, a husband and wife need to be able to handle any job or situation they face.

Dave Tice is a licensed professional counselor at the Center with over 6 years of counseling experience. To learn more about Dave, or to set up an appointment click here.

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